If you’d told former Annie even I don’t know, 2 years ago lets say, that there were perfectly justified reasons the cosmos played what felt like a series of really really bad jokes on me I would’ve wanted to punched you square on your smug know it all nose and THAT would’ve been the single most satisfying thing that could ever have happened to me at the time…..
Yeah, she wasn’t happy was she? But actually with what she had dealt with and the knowledge she had at the time I think former Annie was justified or at least understandable in her anger and frustration at the apparent very black sense of humour the universe seemed to have. In the space of 6 years I had gone through the following:
- Given birth, I know this is meant to be the best time of your life and indeed it was. I love my boy he is my wing man and I would literally die for him. Fact. But friends-there is a pretty hard side to parenthood that does not get enough mainstream discussion, it will get some here on a later blog post though because raising our future and looking after our own journey at the same time requires a lot from us. We can do it, of course we can but it can be tough at times. Parenthood is a topic yet to come and I do have some ideas to share which should make life a little easier.
- Family torn apart, yeah that sucked. At the age of 2 my wee man had to adjust to his parents not living in the same space anymore. They weren’t exactly best friends either. ‘Conscious uncoupling’ was not the dish of the day , it was replaced with animosity spite and bickering. The ultimate healthy environment for all. During this time I felt completely alone in the wilderness, unsure of myself and how best to care for my child.
- Illness pt1- I don’t just mean tiredness fatigue and misery although there was plenty of that to go around. I mean 2 years spent feeling seasick unable to hear, speak and see properly as well as excruciating pain in my head, my neck, my back, legs and a whole heap of symptoms (again this will be in another upcoming blog) which constantly terrified and confused me. I felt like Alice in wonderland on a really bad acid come down.. At night as I would try to fall asleep I would literally wake up not breathing. Imagine all of that and being on your own with a 3-year-old? Just to give you a little insight here, I would leave food and drink around at night for him in case I didn’t wake up in the morning. Sounds drastic but that’s how it was. That was the fear inside me. What didn’t help was that I was told for over a year that the cause was depression and anxiety. I contemplated suicide purely on the rationale that if this was anxiety and depression and it did THIS to me I simply could not cope with life as I was no use to anyone and was far from the ideal of motherhood. More scary is the fact that it felt logical and correct, a ‘normal’ thought. Turns out that yes, anxiety and depression were present but were actually a symptom not the cause. I had a herniated brain-part of my cerebellum was wedged quite nicely into my cervical spine. This was a revelation to say the least and don’t ever dismiss the power of a diagnosis, of knowing. Knowing I wasn’t a complete flake gave me the strength to hold on through 2 major head surgeries and begin recovery. I was able to return to work however not as former Annie. I had spent 10 years as a clinical midwife and had to kiss goodbye to this. I retrained and retrained some more to ensure I could bring the coin in because imagine the debt I collected during 2 years of no wage.
- Illness Part 2. HA fecking HA life. Yes, clearly having my brain fall out was. not. enough. I was still having a lot of very unpleasant symptoms and follow up of these lead to doctors telling me I had a rare progressive form of spina bifida. One which stays hidden (for sh**s and giggles) under your skin and then pops up with a “SURPRISE” when you are going through the worst. Nice.
- Relationships from the 7th layer of hell. Yup, you name it I picked it. I was constantly attracting emotionally retarded f*ck ups. Bless them all. The last one in particular was the worst. I wont give him too much power in my mind by revisiting a now healed past but this was actually the final kick in the teeth former Annie needed to stop and truly re-evaluate what the heck she was up to here. For that I guess I thank him but equally warn him because living in the way he does and treating people as objects or toys is far from progressive and will ultimately cause him far more misery than it did me.
As you can see, there has been some upheaval in my life. In every area actually it slowly unravelled catastrophically. Everything I had taken for granted everything which was my normal had been stripped away. I was left alone, vulnerable and incredibly scared.
There is a paradox throughout all of this though or maybe more of a balancing act and slow revelation, I don’t know. From the moment everything seemed to fall apart -even before that actually- I knew I wasn’t on my own. I knew. I was being watched and guided. Don’t get me wrong we certainly had what seemed to be a love hate relationship at times but in my darkest hours (of which there were many) I would talk to whatever it was and quite often tell it ‘over to you’ I would hand responsibility over which was very difficult for me as I am a control freak of sorts, but I did and that is what got me to this point. The conversations we would have on my kitchen floor in the middle of the night were rather profound. The universe didn’t actually talk back as such, I’m not so sure my nervous system would’ve handled that one but it gave me so many signs that it was there and in it with me. During these fleeting moments I realised that it wasn’t actually being a massive dong but there was some sort of purpose and design at work here. These moments did not last though and I felt that at times it was cruel and vindictive, again understandable.
So yes as you can see my relationship with the cosmos had 2 very separate and distinct settings but over time the balance shifted. I got sick of being angry and battles. I got sick of being a victim and I certainly got sick of trying to control everything. I can remember quite distinctly thinking “well if you are with me and want to love and support me why am I still having all of this happen? Why am I not now in a place of profound love and peace? Why?Why?Why?”. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two if not more reasons for this.
Firstly, If I were just magicked to a veritable nirvana overnight what would I have learned? How strong would I be mentally and how would that translate itself into the material world? It doesn’t fit does it? At least I don’t think it does. Some lessons are hard-won but once you have they change you irreparably so you are not what you once were. In other words it was a necessary process for me, I can’t expect other forces to do the work I need to do myself. It would be like asking my mate George to breathe for me, I’m sure he would try because he’s lovely but it simply could not be done and we would both end up frustrated.
Secondly, and this is the part you have to stay with me on as it’s a leap I know, I was creating so much of this. Those rows I had with the universe? I should have been having with a mirror. I have come to realise that I have been creating so much from a fear based perspective that yes, the joke truly was on me. I had in essence, a record playing on repeat filled with lots of not very nice subconscious mantras. Hits such as “you are not good enough” followed by “yes, they do all think you suck” were playing on repeat. There were so many more believe you me and this was happening even when I didn’t realise it. I could see how this fear based belief system has ground me down beyond recognition and I know there is a direct correlation between this and my health. We are not simply our bodies. We have a soul a psyche and a heart all intermingled in our ‘person’, even that is not our all as we have a higher self we can have a great relationship with if we try. If any of these are off kilter the rest fall over like a pack of dominoes at some point. I believe that this is the true meaning of holistic health. We need to look after every aspect ourselves, rake through it with a fine toothed comb weeding out everything which doesn’t serve a true purpose while nourishing everything which does. This isn’t something to be done automatically, we need to cultivate and hone these practices. I truely believe that is the only way to enlightenment and wellbeing, not just slamming down a wheatgrass juice and listening to panpipes.
There is a long road ahead and yes, at times it does still feel exhausting and scary but only at times. I’ve been equipped with so much now to start me on the right path and it is my goal to become a spiritual ninja. I’ve come to the point where there is simply no turning back and when I think about what ‘back’ looked like I’m so glad! I hope you can see that we all are capable of beginning and sustaining a life in line with our higher selves. You don’t have to have had your world thrown apart to do this however so please don’t feel that you do! All of us, every person on this planet would benefit from a soul based approach to their existence here on earth.
You do not have to do this alone either, I know how it feels to be going through this upheaval and change with no one around me to ‘get it’. I have very good friends who would listen to and support me but I only had my books and audio tapes for true support in this area. I figured that I cant be the only one who went solo on their journey and I really would have appreciated a place I could go to for advice guidance support and friendship. That is why I have created Annie’s place. Its not just for me but for you all too. This is a dedicated place for all of us who are trying our hardest to remember ourselves, progress and ascend. I’m here for you, I’m honoured that you are reading this right now and so glad that you have found our space.
Much much love